The English language (or at least the American branch of the
language) is often confusing even to those who were born here. I can't imagine learning it as a second
language. Where other languages seem to
have set rules, English has set rules that are filled with exceptions and
sometimes even those exceptions have exceptions.
A good example is the 'i before e' spelling rule—I before E
except after C' (exception to rule) 'or when sounded as A, as in weigh'
(exception to the exception).
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes, but the
plural of ox became oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the
plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, yet the
plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the
plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a
boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't
the plural of booth be called beeth?
One may be that and three would be those, yet hat in the
plural would never be hose. And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we
say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine
the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Some reasons to be thankful if you grew up speaking English
rather than learning it as a second (or even third) language:
1) The bandage
was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was
used to produce produce.
3) The dump was
so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish
the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead
if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier
decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is
no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the army
base a bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at,
the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not
object to the object.
11) The insurance
was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row
among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too
close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does
funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress
and a sewer fell down into the sewer line.
16) To help with
planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was
too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number
of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the
tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to
subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I
intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last
evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Let's face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in
hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but
one of them, what do you call it, an odd or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
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